{"id":2450,"date":"2017-03-16T11:53:47","date_gmt":"2017-03-16T11:53:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chief-exec.com\/?p=2450"},"modified":"2017-04-05T14:44:37","modified_gmt":"2017-04-05T14:44:37","slug":"i-like-the-way-i-map-things-out","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chief-exec.com\/?p=2450","title":{"rendered":"I like the way I map things out"},"content":{"rendered":"

When you think somebody is being\u00a0irrational, cruel or stupid it\u2019s useful to ask yourself a simple question, David Rawlings<\/em> says. ‘What must the world look like from inside that person\u2019s head for this action to be the best choice?’<\/span><\/h4>\n

Apparently there\u2019s an important negotiation about to start. Something to do with boring old trade deals. At least it will all be over in two years. So, nothing to worry about really!<\/p>\n

But it does remind me of something that comes up a lot in helping with difficult relationships, whether personal or professional. It\u2019s the idea that perceptions are more important than facts.<\/p>\n

If, like me, you see many things that need to be done in our communities, countries or the world, then you probably find it hard to understand why everyone else can\u2019t see them too. It\u2019s almost as though people live in different worlds…<\/p>\n

…Which of course they do!<\/p>\n

We humans have a need to find meaning in everything, and so we are compelled to imagine what others \u201cmeant\u201d by their words and actions. Inventing our own account of what other people are thinking is one aspect of the way we construct our own reality. But it isn\u2019t \u201creal\u201d, it\u2019s a representation of the world \u2013 a map that\u2019s personal and internal to our minds.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThe map is not the territory\u201d –\u00a0Alfred Korzybski, 1931<\/em><\/span><\/h4>\n<\/blockquote>\n

We believe, naturally, that our internal map of the world is the same as the real thing. Actually, in many ways, it\u2019s more important, but it isn\u2019t the same. Your subjective perception of the world around you contains elements that are\u00a0practically\u00a0unknowable in the real world, for example what other people are thinking, or what they intended by the things they did and said.<\/p>\n

The map is full of information that has been constructed, imagined, made up \u2013 but you believe it to be accurate. For example, if your first impression of someone on first meeting them is that they behave aggressively, then you label them \u201caggressive\u201d and file them accordingly in your internal archive. If that perception was wrong, in the sense that you misread their emotional state and their intention, then it usually takes a lot of contrary evidence to make you revise it.\u00a0(This can all be unconscious \u2013 you aren\u2019t necessarily aware that this has happened, but it will affect your future responses to that person.)<\/p>\n

We also believe, again naturally enough, that everyone else\u2019s map is the same as ours. But of course it never is, and most misunderstandings arise from different maps. They might be comical or they might be violently destructive.<\/p>\n

In my map, I can be forthright and uncompromising in doing what I think needs to be done because my intention is positive, for the greater good. In your map, ignoring others\u2019 sensibilities is never acceptable and so you disapprove of what I do and even oppose me. The fact that we might share the same ultimate goal for our community or team doesn\u2019t stop us falling out.<\/p>\n

Your map is formed from sensory data after it has been filtered through values, beliefs and existing memories. It embodies your morality, or sense of right and wrong. This can be very divisive because we find it difficult to talk about. It\u2019s hard to justify your feeling that something is \u201cjust wrong\u201d because you hardly ever have to think about it, so you treat it as non-negotiable and simply say nothing. The difference is unacknowledged and therefore persists while attention focuses on the specific actions (for example you did something that upset me) which are argued over endlessly with no resolution.<\/p>\n

Tenaciously arguing your case, sticking to your guns and not giving an inch are behaviours that are often held up as admirable. But I\u2019d suggest that such digging-in is only appropriate when you\u2019ve reached the end of negotiation and you\u2019re signalling that you won\u2019t compromise anymore and would rather walk away without agreement \u2013 \u201cno deal is better than a bad deal\u201d.\u00a0It\u2019s not appropriate to start a conversation in that way.\u00a0Exploring each other\u2019s maps is much more productive. In disputes, people on opposite sides often really want much the same things.<\/p>\n

Getting inside your opponent\u2019s head is the first step towards finding common ground. This might mean asking questions about their underlying beliefs and presuppositions, and these are not things to be argued with! In this instance, they are simply facts. If you\u2019re coaching, you can challenge beliefs \u2013 that\u2019s usually where change has to occur \u2013\u00a0but whenever you have a direct interest in the situation, as a party in the dispute, then you are definitely NOT coaching.<\/p>\n

When you think about somebody\u2019s irrational, cruel or stupid behaviour, it\u2019s useful to ask yourself the question:\u00a0\u201cWhat must the world look like from inside that person\u2019s head for this action to be the best choice?\u201d<\/p>\n

Then you might go on to ask: \u201cHow can I be so sure that their actions really are irrational, cruel or stupid?\u201d<\/p>\n

And then: \u201cHow might people view me and my behaviours from within their different maps?\u201d<\/p>\n

So where does that get us?<\/p>\n

If you get used to the idea that your understanding of everything is just one of an infinite variety of ways that reality can be mapped \u2013 and that they are all equally valid \u2013 then you can begin to expand your influence. You do that, not by forcing others to agree with you, rather by helping them to identify the areas of overlap.<\/p>\n

If you believe that our politicians understand and are informed by these ideas then you can rest easy.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

\"rawlings-vb2\"Email: david@changeworkcoaching.com<\/em><\/p>\n

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